Funny Jokes

[TTFKASS]

I heard one today, It went like this.

A man asked his wife if she believed in love at first site, he then said "should I walk by you again?"

I lost it, was hillarious.

[The Duck&Mouse]

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there
with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...
can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind,
but if you drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it
from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him,
but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod
with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line...
It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register.

In the meantime the woman passes gas.
At first she is embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way
he could tell it was her, being blind,
he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says,
"That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50.

[The Duck&Mouse]

A very drunk man
A lot of drinks.
A very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman
next to him and says,
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies,
"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.
The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs;
she's an ex-pro wrestler.
Next to her is a blonde
who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs.,
and she's a kick boxer professional.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second
then says;
"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!

[-rcv-]

Three Blondes were walking in the woods, when they came upon a set of tracks.

"Oh, look!" said the first Blonde, "Cute little Thumper bunny tracks!"

"No, no!" said the second Blonde, "Those are adorable baby deer Bambi tracks!"

Before the third Blonde could say anything, they were run over by the train.

-ekb-

[Jalia]

A horse walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

***

A dog walks into a bar with a bandage on his hand.
He says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

***

(think I might have seen this one posted here recently)

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "Of course not. this is a bar!"
Next day the duck walks in and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No! Are you crazy? This is a BAR!"
Next day the duck walks in and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No. And if you ever ask that question again, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!"
Next day the duck walks in and says, "Got any nails?"
The bartender says, "Of course not. This is a bar!"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

***

A cat walks into a bar...

ME-OUCH!

***

A rabbit goes into a bar and asks for a cheese toastie and a pint. He eats the toastie and drinks the pint, then leaves.

The next day he walks into the bar and asks for a ham toastie and a pint. He eats the toastie and drinks the pint, then leaves.

The following day the rabbit walks into the bar and asks for a cheese and ham toastie and a pint. He eats the toastie, drinks the pint, runs around the room for a bit then drops dead.

Oh dear says the bar-man, it looks like another case of mixin' me toasties

(Okay, I pulled the last one off some internet site and I have NO idea what it means... hopefully it's not rude?) :P

***

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, silly! You get down off a duck!

***

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, “Gimme some of that Chap stick.”
The guy says, “Well I would, but how are you going to pay for it? Cash or charge?
The duck says, “No, no... Just put it on my bill!”

***

Two guys driving along , when a rabbit hops out on the road. The driver tries to avoid the
rabbit, but can’t. They get out, and the passenger screams, “You hit it! Oh my! Do something! Do Something!”
The driver calmly goes to the trunk, takes out a small bottle, and pours some onto the rabbit. It’s head immediately pops up. He pours a little more. The rabbit jumps up, hops down the road a bit, turns around and waves at them, hops a little further, turns and waves again... hops... waves... till he’s out of sight. The passenger says’ “That was amazing! What is that stuff?”
The driver reads from the bottle, “It says ‘Permanent wave for damaged hair’!”

***

This doctor, each day after work goes into the same bar owned by his friend, Dave.
Everyday he gets an almond daiquiri. On this one day however, Dave was out of almonds, so made him his usual drink, but using hickory nuts instead. The doctor took one sip and asks, “Is this a almond daiquiri Dave?”
He replies, “No... It’s a hickory daiquiri Doc!”

(Heh... original joke, his friend's name was a common shortening of the name "Richard" but that name is also considered foul language according to the posting rules here. ^_^ )

[P'nut Gigglefac]

One day a rich but dying man lay in his bed saying a prayer. He says: God I know you can't take it with u when u die, but I've worked so hard for so long. It just doesn't seem fair. Can't I take just a little of it with me? He was shocked when he heard God reply: Ok son, I'll let u take a little of it with you. But first you must convert it to gold bricks. You can bring as much with you as you can fit into a suitcase.

So the man youthfully jumps from bed and sets about transferring cash into gold bricks. A couple of days later after the transaction is complete, his health takes a turn for the worse and he dies. Suitcase in hand.

Next thing he knows, he's standing at the pearly gates of heaven. He goes to the saint sitting at the desk next to gates and gives him his name. The saint says: Yes you may enter, but you have to leave that suitcase behind.

The man replies, can you please check with God. We had an agreement. So the saint calls up to God. He turns to the man and says I guess this checks out, show me what you've got.

The man proudly opens his suitcase and shows the saint his gold bricks.

Pavement? You brought pavement to heaven? Responds the saint.

[Lil' Jesse]

a man went into a bar and said owwww! get it into a bar like run into a metal bar! TEE HEE!