News Update just for laughs

[raiderfanforlife]

Senyor Conejo here

With Santa Claus Facts

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Back to your local programming.

[Dream Dancer]

Everyone tries to answer the big questions in life.

Why do we exist?
How did the universe come to be?
What is the purpose of life?
And many others.

They tend to overlook the littler questions in life though.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when it is really coming on?
How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when you would surely run there in an emergency?

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
Why is it that if someone yells "Duck!" they're helping you, but if they yell "Chicken!" they are insulting you?
If the FBI breaks your door down, do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
Why do you "put your two cents in" when it's only "a penny for your thoughts"?

The signs on restaurant doors say, "no shirt, no shoes, no service." If someone went in without any pants, would the restaurant still have to serve him?
Can you cry underwater?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water, how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant, do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state, "Caution: May cause drowsiness"?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?

When the French use bad language, do they say "Pardon my English"?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head like everyone else?
How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Why do people always believe you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say the paint is wet?

If the serving size on a can of soda is one can, then why is the serving size on the little can one can too? Wouldn't the little cans be two cans?
Why is it when you're asleep it's called drool, but when you're awake it's called spit?
Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonater sound the same, even there there are no known audio recordings of the man?
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can, yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up?
Why does the Easter Bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on French fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?

Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
When people ask you, "What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" nobody ever replies, "A boat"?
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
Can you slam a revolving door?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If Winnie the Pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a get well card?

Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "Shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses aren't on sale?

I think scientists should first answer these questions before going after the bigger ones. After all, building an answer on bad information will just get a bad answer, right?

These questions were all (except for the purple ones) originally asked by my sister's friend (whom I don't personally know, and so can't give credit to), recorded by my sister, and made grammatically correct by the tenaciously correct hands of an English nut who likes to use Dream Dancer as her screen name. If you know the guy who asked these in the first place, please be courteous as he is a great thinker with an inquisitive mind. He'll certainly go far. *salutes*

[Static]

Originally Posted by raiderfanforlife

Senyor Conejo here with

Are You Smarter then a Pre-schooler?

Pre-schoolers all over the United States
were shown this picture asked the same question.

Which way is the bus below traveling?

To the left or to the right?

If you give an answer, please explain to us why you are correct
Before you give up, keep in mind 90% of preschoolers got this right.
They also had a perfectly good explanation why they were correct.
Stay tuned for the answer.

My 5 yr old daughter got it right. My wife and I got it wrong.

you are all wrong! Look at the picture very carefully. Better yet...print it out and turn it upside down. THERE!

It's a boat with 3 holes in it and the two people are clinging on for dear life.

[Beaniemooch]

Dream Dancer, THANK YOU for that listing of the truly important questions in life. I haven't laughed that hard in ages!

Little Dizzy Beaniemooch

[raiderfanforlife]

TO ALL MY FELLOW CCGers


See if you can figure out what these 7 words have in common.



Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess



Are you even trying to figure it out or have you already given up?

[Pickles Fumbleswirl]

Originally Posted by raiderfanforlife

TO ALL MY FELLOW CCGers


See if you can figure out what these 6 words have in common.



Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess



Are you even trying to figure it out or have you already given up?

Take out the first letter of each word and they're palindromes!!

[Dream Dancer]

[EDIT]Neato! I noticed this is my 400th post while editing in the next line. :P

*twitches nervously* I can't figure it out! I must not be smarter than a preschooler after all. :P[/EDIT]

Obvious statement> It's the information age, and computers are everywhere!
But even with computers all around us, it's amazing how many computer related mistakes there are!

Acronym Mess-ups
Aaagh! My DNS server isn't working right!
DNS stands for Domain Name Server.
Try it: Aaagh! My Domain Name Server Server isn't working right!

You can get <insert movie title> now on VHS and DVD video!
I have no clue what VHS stands for, but DVD stands for Digital Video Disc.
Try it: You can get <insert movie title> now on VHS and Digital Video Disk Video!

I need more RAM memory.
RAM stands for Random Access Memory.
Try it: I need more Random Access Memory Memory.

I think my CPU has some bad software on it.
CPU stands for Central Processing Unit. The little thing's hardwired and you can't install anything on it. Bad software usually gets installed to your hard drive or the mysterious CMOS.

Hastily made computer quotes
"640K ought to be enough for anybody!"
Referring to RAM. 640K is a little over half a meg. How much is in your computer right now? If it's running Windows XP, probably about 512 megs (8,000 times more than 640K). If you're using Vista, likely a thousand megs or more (16,000 times more than 640K).

"Why would anyone ever want to exit Windows?"
Maybe it's locked up? Maybe you want to save power? Maybe you're fed up with it and want to switch to a different operating system?

"One day, computers might be small enough to fit in a single room!"
Err... No explanation needed. :P

People make mistakes. So computers must be smarter, right? They're gonna take over the world cuz they're smarter than us!
I don't think so.

Quotes from my computer (paraphrased, same meaning, not exact wording)
I can't install your modem to connect to the internet. Would you like to connect to the internet to look for drivers?

Would you like to connect to the internet to look for help on connecting to the internet?

I can't connect to the network to install drivers for your network adapter.

No keyboard present. Press F1 to continue.

Computer: Windows was shut down to prevent loss of data.
Me: Aaaa! My unsaved homework!

Windows was shut down to prevent damage to your system.
~Upon restarting~
One of your disks needs to be checked for damage caused by the computer shutting down suddenly.

Critical software error: Windows needs to shut down eventually because a critical process is broken.

======
More feared than DOS, the Blue Screen Of Death, and most any other error, is the dreaded
Please wait...
...
...
...

[chocoholic1415]

Originally Posted by Dream Dancer

Quotes from my computer (paraphrased, same meaning, not exact wording)
I can't install your modem to connect to the internet. Would you like to connect to the internet to look for drivers?

Would you like to connect to the internet to look for help on connecting to the internet?

These hit close to home. I was having computer issues at work, I was unable to log on to my computer at all, so I called the help desk. They told me I would have to log a ticket through the intranet . . . umm, exactly how am I supposed to get on the intranet if I can't get on my **** computer

[Dream Dancer]

Originally Posted by chocoholic1415

These hit close to home. I was having computer issues at work, I was unable to log on to my computer at all, so I called the help desk. They told me I would have to log a ticket through the intranet . . . umm, exactly how am I supposed to get on the intranet if I can't get on my **** computer

I can't believe I forgot that one!

Computer: "Beep! Wrong password."
Me: "Since when did I need a password???"
Computer: "You can change your password after you log on."
Me: "How do I log in if I don't know my password!?!"

I recommend dropping your computer out a window and telling your company it was broken. Or put it where they store the computers and say it was stolen. Then the computer guy will go to storage, pull out your computer and set it up for you again. It won't work for him either, so he'll fix it for you. Presto! one working computer.

...

Or you could start a boycott until they fix the computers... I think refusing to work until they fixed your computer would get their attention. :P

Warning: Using either of the previous suggestions may result in loss of paycheck, loss of computer privileges, lots of trouble, possibly getting sued, and dreaming about flying monkeys in your sock drawer. These solutions are not for everyone. Consult your doctor and lawyer before using. If any of these symptoms occur, stop using these suggestions. Remember: Just because someone you don't know made a recommendation doesn't mean you have to use it. Especially if the "professional" makes a statement including your sock drawer. Even more so if the same statement includes flying monkeys.

[raiderfanforlife]

Ponderables

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'...But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wilee Coyote had enough money to buy all that acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs?